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I've noticed that amongst more emotional lyricists, and those with the souls of poets, the phrase "Take me to the sea", or the notion of things being transported to the ocean in general, is somewhat common, yet still manages to be evocative.
This is my first journal update in a while, and I only feel the need to comment on it because not saying anything about that (were anyone to ever read this post) would be kind of weird. I need to think of things in a 'meta' fashion like that, it's just how I roll.
What is new in life? Well, that's an inaccurate question. The proper one would be "What do I feel like talking about in a public journal post?" The answer is, probably not anything, which essentially negates any reason I would have for writing a 'journal entry' in the first place. I wonder if there's a distinction between Live'Journal' entries, and blog posts. See, I had to force myself to call this smattering of text pasted on the internet an 'entry'. 'Post' comes so naturally, and I think as the Blogosphere expands, it will only continue to do so. I don't think LiveJournal should red-line "Blogosphere" - do not mock that which contains you, LiveJournal.
The thing is, in true self-delusional fashion, I told myself I kept a journal to keep myself sane, and express myself. That little bit of description in my personal information is probably one of the most timeless things I've ever written in reference to myself, but that doesn't mean there's never been an ulterior motive to my writing in a public space like that. If I didn't want other people to read what I wrote, I would keep a private journal - I used to, I think - this just means that I like other people to view my thoughts. Most of the time. Some of them, anyway. So, that being said, what's the point in updating a journal that isn't going to garner me the approval of my peers? Well, there's the off chance that one of them could stumble upon it by accident... ah, there you go, that's my real reason.
The actual reason should be something along the lines of what I once wrote about in reference to my desire to write. Woah, that sentence became redundant real fast. What I mean to say is - maybe now that I have a public space, let alone with no audience, I should use this chance to express myself? I will say tht even though it's been forever since I wrote anything, really, it does come kind of naturally. While I love the idea of updating daily, I don't think my life is interesting enough to warrant that - or, even if it was, I'd have to share every minute detail of it, and that's not really fine by me.
I keep wanting to talk about the notion of writing here - but, I think in the end, cutting to the mundanity of real life my drive away my desire to write. Still, I feel compelled to do it. In point form though.
-Job sucks a lot, pay is bad, coworkers make me want to die (or kill them)
-Band is going very well
-Relationship is going well
-I am wistful
-I try to be happy most of the time - I'm only sad when I think about it
-Music is abundant and yet unfulfilling
That's good enough a breadth of coverage, I think. Who cares about specifics?
I think in the end, I might be too unfocused when it comes to my life to devote myself to something like this on a regular basis. Well, what can you do? it was nice to write, even if it was just a little bit.
Cheers, everyone. For however long it takes me to next update.Current Mood:  blah Current Music: M.O.V.E. - Knock'em Out |
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I'm sad.Current Mood:  depressed Current Music: Gojira - From Mars |
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Well, I just had what is possibly one of the worst dreams of my life.
And I think that, without a doubt, I'm definitely sick now.
Today is looking great so far.Current Mood:  sick |
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Hey guys,
I bought World of Warcraft today. I think I'm level ten now?
If anyone else wants to play together, let me know. I think I'm on the "Sentinel" server? There could be an 's' at the end. It's a roleplay server, because I like roleplaying. I'm an Undead Mage named Gix (I was originally Kerrick on my test account at Mike's, but then of course I couldn't be it - two MTG references, woo).
Let me know, anyone? WoWcraft? Cool?Current Mood:  tired Current Music: the pillows - Instant Music |
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Sad
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May. 21st, 2008 @ 12:03 am
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Today was not a good day at all.
Brie and I broke up. I didn't want to, particularly, but I felt it made sense for a lot of reasons - and she certainly didn't seem to have a huge problem with it.
So now I'm alone. And it doesn't feel that different. It feels odd to know that I'm not going to have anyone left to care about me that I can see... and that I'm not going to have anything or anyone to look forward to each week, or at all, anymore. I'm trying not to be too depressed about it, though.
Part of me is hoping that maybe in the future, we'll be able to work things out, and get back together. But the other part of me is saying that not only will that never happen, that I should be counting the days until I hear Brie has moved on.
Something interesting to note - this entire relationship took the same twists and turns that my relationship with Amie did near the end - exactly the same steps towards the breakup. Very interesting. Am I doomed to cycles here?
Other than that, the day in general was just a bummer. I bought a digital camera though - got my tax return as well, so I won't even be in debt for it by tomorrow. Was one of the shittier days in recent memory though - if Steven hadn't been closing with me I probably would have spazzed out. I get to close with Krystal, the new girl for the next couple of days, and blah blah blah blah I don't actually have any reason to say any of this other than to read it myself.
I'm even lonelier now than ever, and I've felt very alone for a long time. I'm trying not to be a wuss about this - break-ups happen - but we did just go through our Anniversary. I guess something clicked - "Jeez, I've been with this guy for a year? Time to end it."
This only serves to reinforce every insecurity I have about myself. Thanks, life.Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Daft Punk - Face to Face / Short Circuit |
| » Just Crushed |
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I'm pretty certain I can feel myself dying. That's the kind of thing I would say in my suicide letter, or in a journal of my last thoughts, but I can say it now and mean it. It's like I've passed the reasonable expectations of my life already - when I talk to people about loneliness and worthlessness and pointlessness, and all those lovely things, they could say (if I actually talked to anyone, anyway) that I have the rest of my life ahead of me - but it doesn't feel like I do. It feels like any day I'm going to wake up and fall victim to an accident, or illness, or ailment that will trigger a chain-reaction, and then I'll be dead. I feel like it's time to prepare for my death already.
I've always kind of talked about how loneliness, and being lonely is one of the most pervasive feelings in my life - I almost always feel alone, even when I'm surrounded by people - and let's face it, I'm anything but right now. I don't think I've spoken to anyone I can consider a friend in months. Soon I'll be able to say years. And then, I'll die alone somewhere very cold.
I like to think Julien and I are being friendlier with each other, but it's not like we spend a lot of time together. It's not like I spend any time with anyone - my work schedule makes it impossible. I can understand that, and I'm willing to grant that it's part of what's ruined any hope of a social life for me. I used to know people though, to be a little fragment of their life that sometimes called for attention. If I could just wake up to one email, or phone message, saying that someone wanted to spend time with me, or talk to me, maybe all this would seem like it had an end in store. I know I have someone who loves me, but love is not sustenance, especially when I only see that person once a week as well. I can't really go on like this.
I don't know what else to do though. I made a flier - a poster to put up around town, asking people if they wanted to be my friend. That got called off in a haste, obviously, but it shows how desperate I am for human contact. And the thing is, I'm beginning to think that it's a miracle I ever had any friends at all. Everytime I get to talk to someone, I obfuscate the conversation with unnecessary blather, and everyone just ends up talking awkwardly to me. sarita came down a while ago, and I got to see her. It made me realize something about her, but also in transit, perhaps something about myself as well.
I saw her twice while she was down - once we talked on my break during work, and it was super. Just like old times, uninterupted conversation. Then, we hung out the next day. it was also like old times, but not the good ones. I felt like I was treated as a burden, and that everything I said or did was wrong - I felt very crappy, and treated thusly. It makes me realize now though, that perhaps when I don't have an instant chemistry with someone - or when that chemistry isn't manifest - I can't interact with people. Maybe when they're as candid with their thoughts and bad feelings as sarita was, it's obvious that I'm pretty crummy to be around. I can be nothing but cheerful, but I sense that there might be an air about me - just something people don't like.
My wallet got lost/stolen yesterday. I felt crummy, and considered taking a lot of Advil, but then realized I couldn't buy any because all my money was in my wallet. Super.
Anyway, I'm done bitching. Thanks, Philip, you feel worse now. Night.
P.S. I should insta-change the "Depressed" mood to "The Usual"
Apr. 24th, 2008 @ 01:13 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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Man, I am like, really depressed right now.
...That's all, I guess
Mar. 21st, 2008 @ 10:08 am
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| » onetwothreefourfivesixsev-onetwothreefour / onetwothreefourfivesixsev-onetwothree /... |
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I think I am still a big scaredy-cat.
I was going to say 'silly boy', but for some reason, I hate being referred to as a 'boy' more than many things.
The title of my subject is what I was mouthing to myself all the way home as I tried to keep my mind off the darkness, and the things in it. Basically, my night boils down into the following herbs and spices (of youthful fear and paranoia - Mm-Mmm!) <---- [looking at that doesn't look like a sound, it just looks like a bunch of 'M's];
I was waiting in town for the bus until about 11:20 - usually I'm only ten minutes from my stop at that point. It was (is?) particularly foggy, and that didn't help matters - it probably explains why the bus was late, however. The trip on the bus seemed very short - I played my iPod game, Phase (it's like Guitar Hero, but not quite) to the song "Clubbed to Death". It made me realize I wish I had kept on writing my cyberpunk thing. That might be something I'm starting up again. In any case. I got off at my stop, and started walking - as I was about half a minute, I turned, and saw something staring at me from the bushes, which then backed into the woods. Now, I don't know how most people would react to this - I something relatively small, and furry, and I thought about the possibilities. Wild cat? Bear cub? Mutated lizard? Either way, I got scared, and backed off the darkened road into the street-lights at the beginning. I tried to go back several times, but kept seeing this thing in the bushes. After a while, I decided I was too scared to go on... so I would wait in the street-lights for cars to go by, and just hitch a ride (I've already gotten two rides down this road so far). Well, as I'm waiting, several cars went by without stopping... and then I heard the rustling in the bushes right near the street-light. Before my heart exploded, I turned to see something emerge from the bushes - Siamese cat! So yes, I felt stupid, and I wanted to pet the kitty, but it was scared too, so it ran off. So I tried walking again.
This time, I kept hearing popping noises coming from the woods. I'm sure they were probably just crickets, or settling water from the trees, but I was way too spooked at this point to go on... so I waited for probably a half hour for cars to pick me up - the few that went by did no such thing. People are jackasses. I bet they'd LOVE walking down that pitch-black, abandoned road for half an hour.
At that point, I resolved to get down the road the only way I figured I could - both head-phones on, music blaring. So that's what I did. I listened to "A Corporate Merger" by Estradasphere - as a note, HOLY COW, that thing is odd-timed off the wall. There are parts of it I can barely count, let alone play. Whole new level of respect for those guys. So yes. I played that song over and over, and counted it out on my way home. Basically, it went fine - I know that means that, in addition to not being able to hear the silly things that scare me, I also might not have heard, a bear coming to eat me - but I checked every once in a while, just to be sure. That makes it better...?
While I was waiting for the bus (good story start, no?), I kept hearing teenagers or other type people go by, laughing and talking about things. I kept wishing someone would come by and say "What are you doing here?", and then we could all go find something fun to do, even if it was just me tagging along with them and their possibly drunk friends. I just want to spend time with people, y'know? Although, I have an interesting discovery - my first instinct to was to append the adjective 'stupid' to the world 'teenagers' in my opening sentence. Maybe I have no friends because I'm a jerk?
I think I had somewhere else I was going to go with that... but I don't remember where it was.
So on a completely unrelated note, sometimes I am sad.
Oh, and the show went poorly, well, and very well, mostly in that order? I'm not sure. The noise set was a lot of fun, Meat Party rocked the house. I hope to get the gang in on that later. WOO.
Oh yeah, I remember what I was going to say. Should I get a piercing/tattoo? I was just walking around downtown, and it occurred to me that I have enough money to get one or the other... I thought about just doing it at random, but then like the square I am, decided I should consider it. Is it worth spending money on? If I got a piercing, where should it be?
I think if I got a tattoo, I would like it to be the melody & drums notated from a piece of music - but what music? I don't know if there are any songs I feel so strongly about that I could put them on my body forever. Something by Dillinger or Dream Theater?
Please give your thoughts. Personally, I would learn towards a tongue, eyebrow, or (gasp!) nipular piercing (tee-hee), or a music tattoo of perhaps "The Dance of Eternity" or "Panasonic Youth". or EVER DILLINGER SONG EVER?
I like writing weird things.
Mar. 8th, 2008 @ 12:42 am
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| » Rain and wind and weather, something something something... Rawhide! |
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I know this is short notice, and I can't believe I didn't mention it earlier... I guess I was too busy being introspective and contemplative and all those useless, silly things... but the band and I are playing one last show tomorrow - at the Campbell River Community Arts Center (near the library), starting at 6:30 - our set starts somewhere around 8:15. If you live in the Comox Valley, and have nothing better to do tomorrow night (or you have friends who like progressive metal/rock ballads about Manatees or other sea creatures), then I suggest you come on out. Proceeds go to some charity... seriously!
Also, the noise act of some fine gentleman (names withheld) under the name of "Meat Party" may be performing, hopefully as the last set of the night? Who can tell. So look forward to that too. I am.
I hope it goes well - I keep thinking, maybe if I find we can work together, it'd be worth a shot getting the band back together... but I suppose it all comes down to the fact that the guys just don't have the greatest chemistry with me - even Jules and I are strained a lot of the time. I'm just too weird, I think. I have been thinking about putting up adds in Courtenay to start up a rhythm and blues / jazz / funk band, however. That would be so cool. First up - Blues Brothers covers? YEAH.
I look forward to seeing anyone who makes it out. If you don't, don't worry, we'll try to get a tape/recording.
Laterz.
Mar. 5th, 2008 @ 11:43 pm
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| » Bweeoo Bweeoo Bweeoo BWAAHHHHHHBweeoo |
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I'm a noise song!
I notice I'm making a lot of journal entries, after the longest time of not getting them - and what's more, they're eliciting comments! Either I finally found a way to make what I say interesting, or everyone else in the world is just as bored as I am.
You know what always annoys me? People who put declarations of affection for their significant (or sometimes, not so significant) other in their instant messenger names. You know what I'm talking about - how every MSN Friends list has a name along the lines of "kylie princess7 - (heart)mathew(heart) i luv ur forever!" I think that if you care about someone in a truly affectionate manner, you don't need to plaster that affection all over your most permanent public display of yourself - internet wise, anyway. Getting a tattoo like that would be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of - not if the couple has been together a long time, but most of these MSN "luv forevers" pop up a couple weeks after dating. I think having someone get a tattoo declaring their love that spontaneously would be hilarious, however. Imagine how fast they would get their ass dumped.
It is kind of endearing in a way though. It shows that maybe you want to give a constant reminder to the person you care about that you do care about them - my counter-argument to that, however, would be that if you can't take the effort to tell them, rather than have an instant messaging service give them the constant reminder, then maybe you DON'T care that much. I suspect, however, that I am over-thinking the whole thing. Sometimes, people have nothing better to put in their names! "Gosh, Philip, don't be such a heartless, cynical jackass." Oh world and/or inner critic, you know just what to say to charm me into submission.
Speaking of which... I'm reticent to speak about this, since the reason reminder that my sister might regularly read my journal - but she didn't give me any commentary on my coy mention of self-pleasure, so maybe I'm in the safe here. Though, to that note, I've not done that in a little bit. I just don't see the point, y'know? It's like what I wrote just emphasized how empty it felt, and how guilty I've always felt about it. Sexual well-being issues, activate! It's made me feel cleaner and less guilt-ridden, however, which is good - the first one metaphorically, it's not like I was slovenly about it. *cough*. Anyway, that's probably too much information.
The point is, I was saying things about submission? Man, how long has it been since that was a topic that I discussed in my journal? I can just jump back in time, and envision all my creepy, domineering tirades. Hilarity? Not really. It's just another thing like acting, probably. What I was going to say, however, is that since that part of me has been dead so long, I don't really know how to act it out anymore - Brie tries, and God bless her for that, it makes me appreciate how much she cares about me, in these little changes - but it just won't ever be right, y'know? That's not her, and that's not who I am around her. It's evident in the way she acts around me afterwards... nothing has changed. No matter how I look at her, or talk to her, she doesn't catch the signals, and treats me the same way she was treating me before anything happened. So, y'know, to that end... it's just not really worth it. So I've just been feeling more submissive lately. Apparently it's something I enjoy? Go figure, eh? I guess role reversals are always fun though. I just can't help but feel weird about it sometimes.
To anyone reading this who has the wherewithal, this is on a completely different subject, but the band is getting together to play our last show on March 6th, Thursday, at the Campbell River Community Center. At some point later in the night, myself, Brody, and Shilo will be performing together as the mondo-cool performance art/experimental noise group, "Meat Party". Awesome name, no? So be there if you can, or if you can't, you accept that you are four sided, equally on each side, and akin to a rectangular nature within this restriction. Lulz.
That's all for now. More updates later? And maybe writing?
A comic about a talking dinosaur?
Mar. 3rd, 2008 @ 11:31 pm
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| » Some Entry |
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I notice I have the most horrible problem with my dreams - and I'm not sure if it makes them psychologically awful on a level comparable to "I dreamed that everyone I ever loved was dead", or if it makes me just a wuss. You be the judge, dear world!
Basically, I dream of everyday situations. Situations so innocuous or boring that no one would think anything of them - but in my dreams, there's always one thing out of place, and I can't help but fixate on that one thing. I had a dream last night of the silliest thing - sitting at my drum kit. While I was sitting at my drum kit in this dream, I kept seeing my snare drum out of place - it was too close to my throne, and completely off balance in proportion to the layout of the rest of the kit - it would fall over every couple of seconds I was playing, and it was driving me mad. I couldn't fixate on anything except for that one problem, how something so simple was wrong. Dreams like this can involve something simple out of place, or they can be just everyday activities that feel 'wrong'. I had a recurring dream some years ago that I was playing a video game - and the same seconds of that game would loop over and over in my mind. I couldn't escape them no matter how hard I tried. I think at the time I was in a lot of pain while sleeping too, so it made the whole thing one of the worst experiences I've had regarding dreams. I'm sure everyone's had their share of nightmares... I haven't, really. I just dream about ten-second video game blurbs.
So, yeah, I'm going in the other direction with my original theory on how bad these dreams are. Still, I thought it might be something interesting enough to be worth sharing.
I've started reading a webcomic called "Something Positive". It's pretty good, I will have to say - the art is actually very bad, in my opinion, but the subject matter, writing, and opinions therein I find amazing. I'm almost through the archive. Yay me?
Cheers, everyone.
Mar. 3rd, 2008 @ 09:27 am
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| » Buh? |
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So Dylan made a cool post on his journal where he mentioned in detail that he wanted to hurt someone? That's cool, I guess. I have no idea who he was talking about - but it made me realize, it could be me! And even if it's not, that's not the kind of thing I want to read anyway. I'm past the phase in my life where I have to blatantly spit out stuff about my 'evil' and 'demented' side - so to that end, one fewer friend on my list. It's not like we're really friends anyway - I tried to get to see him at some point, but that didn't work out - and due to recent developments, I don't think I'd want to anyway. So, to whomever he was ranting at, good luck to you - if it was me, wtf? But also, good luck to me.
I'm eating bacon-chips. Sort of.
Mar. 2nd, 2008 @ 10:16 am
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| » Sad Things Make Me Sad |
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Alternate Title: The Secret World of Subs
I'm way better at coming up with funny titles than I am at actually writing anything.
So I work at what we call a 'Sub-Way'. Actually, I think that hyphen is not company policy. I am usually a stickler about that sort of thing - namely, grammar, and company policy - but I really feel the hyphen (dash?) gives it a sort of fractured beauty. Kind of like that shattered mirror image, that you can gaze into, and see a million broken pieces of yourself.
I'm not necessarily a devotee of the art of sub-sandwiches. I realize now that before I even understood what a pleonasm was, I was using it in regards to my sub-sandwiches. "Subway Sub-Sandwich", I would say. I could have said "Sub-Way brand Submarine Sub-Sandwich". I could affix the prefix 'sub' onto any of those words an infinite amount of times, and it would still work. In any case.
I like working at Subway because it gives me something else to understand about the world. I sometimes feel like I'm frightened by all the things in the whole of existence that I don't 'get'. I work at a Sub-Way though. I understand subs. I'm a 'sandwich artist'. And I do feel, sometimes, that there is a level of artistry to the sandwiches I construct. I can look at them and say, "Damn, did I make this?" as though my hands are in the otherworldly grasp of some all-knowing sandwich deity. Which, of course, could be the case. Sub-wich.
Every day that I go to work, I experience more of the world via their attitudes and tendencies vis a vis Sub-Way brand Submarine Sub-Sandwiches. I note the little things, and concoct elaborate lists that I feel yield the most satisfying combinations of sandwich configurations. I develop secret, invisible rules for sandwich construction. Sometimes I change my routine to make myself feel better, but I can't change what makes a good sandwich. I can't help but feel guilty that our Chicken-Bacon-Ranch is inherently boring to me. You can't taste the damn chicken. That sub is the masturbation of my profession. Except, that is something I would feel better talking to strangers about. They don't care about the Chicken-Bacon-Ranch, but though they might find it creepy, maybe someone out there would like to hear about what I am thinking when I touch myself at night. I do it mostly out of habit. It doesn't really feel good anymore. Sometimes I will get an arbitrary goal in mind that I have to watch or read while I strive towards my end. It never increases the satisfaction. I sometimes worry that I'm broken. Even when I'm with my girlfriend, I don't feel I know what real sex feels like. God, I'm so young, and that part of life is already ruined for me forever. I have severe sexual inadequacy issues.
Did you know that women are far more likely to get the Chicken Terriyaki than they are the Chicken-Bacon-Ranch? Also, they are not often inclined to have it toasted either. God, and they act like it's an inconvenience for us to shove that sandwich in the microwave. You know what? Time being the sole factor, it's easier. Everything else falls into place too. Is the crunchy bread too much for you to handle? Do you not like melted cheese? Jesus. Some people.
I can't remember what the original point of this writing was. I think I might have an unhealthy obsession with subs? I dreamed about them for a while. Quite a while, in fact. Sometimes, I still think about them when my brain has nowhere else to go. A lot of the time, I think about a failed relationship I still regret. I wish I had a chance to see how it would have been if it had lasted. Right now, I think about being alone. No one cares about the guy who makes sandwiches for a living.
I like the BLT myself. Double bacon.
Feb. 26th, 2008 @ 07:11 pm
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| » 250$ - Worth it? I think so! |
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I am totally looking forward to this, you guys. No doubt about it.
This is half a paycheck, easy, but so worth it - not counting spending money, which I plan to have enough of. Another 250$ should do it. I know I don't have any friends, and the ones I might possibly have don't like noise, but if anyone else wants to come, let me know, jump on board, taking all comers!
Also, the band broke up, and I really don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. Rock on!
Thinking about moving to Victoria. Cool beans. Also, possible promotion at the Subway to Nighttime manager. How do I manage it in just three months? I'm SPECTACULAR. Rock on, peeps.
Feb. 18th, 2008 @ 08:41 pm
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| » Another Music Thing I stole from Beckham |
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1. List your top five favourite musical artists
2. List your top five favourite songs from each artist.
3. Tag five people to do the same.
1. The Dillinger Escape Plan
1. Panasonic Youth
2. Fix Your Face
3. The Perfect Design (Live)
4. Setting Fire To Sleeping Giants
5. I Love Secret Agents
2. Dream Theater
(These ones are a tough call, as I love so many Dream Theater songs. I'm unsure about this list.)
1. The Dance of Eternity
2. Beyond This Life (Live At Budokan)
3. I Walk Beside You
4. The Dark Eternal Night
5. Fatal Tragedy
3. Venetian Snares
1. Winnipeg Is Fucking Over
2. Szamár Madár
3. Sporto Fucking Sellout Cocksuckerface
4. Integraation
5. Aanguish
4. Machinae Supremacy
1. Chuck Rock
2. Legion of Stoopid
3. Return To Snake Mountain
4. Seventeen
5. Rise
5. HORSE the Band
1. Lord Gold Throneroom
2. Octopus On Fire
3. Cutsman
4. Seven Tentacles And Eight Flames
5. A Rusty Glove
Anyone else who feels like doing this, go right ahead. Lol fags
Jan. 31st, 2008 @ 05:18 pm
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| » CarpEQ |
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Hello everyone. What is for teh breakfast. Pancakes? Dubble yuu tee eff?
So yeah, my life is pretty boring. All I can say, is that my life is pretty plain. I can't remember the rest of that song.
Been accumulating a myriad of health problems, which would likely sound like bitching if I listed them here. I have a doctor's appointment at the start of February, however, so that's at least something. Also, everyone reading this - we probably don't talk a lot, or at all, for whatever reason, but likely if you're reading this we were close at some point, or at the very least knew each other in a level beyond passive interaction. So, if it turns out I have cancer or something, perhaps we should talk to tie up loose ends. I'm not exactly happy with the way my life in regards to other human beings turned out - and yes, I do miss having friends, and conversation, and maybe I wish I could go back to the way things were. Maybe the tribulation of solitude is helping me grow as a person? But there's a reason that human beings interact with other human beings of the same nature - because they get along. Sometimes though, I feel like everyone else has grown past me... that if I were to go to them and say "I'm really so alone, I need a friend right now, could that be you?", they'd just say "Oh, sorry, I've moved on with my life. Who were you again?" and that would be the end of that.
So yeah. Right now at a toss-up between cancer of an unidentified area, brain tumor, testicular cancer, or all of the above! Good times. So send me a posy or something if I end up in l'hopital. Mm-kay?
meanwhile, how is everyone doing? You all doing good? Y-you... you doing okay out there? Yeah? Doin' good for yourselves? </end family-guy high-pitched condescension>
Just kidding. I hope everyone is happy with their lives as they are going. Is it just me that's not? Psh. Whatever.
Jan. 25th, 2008 @ 06:04 am
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| » For some reason, Club remix? |
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So I feel like there is a lot of shifting turmoil in my head right now, that is begging me to express it creatively... only I'm not sure how. Writing something is a good start - but, as is ever the problem, I feel like I need to be validated by other people's responses. That's why the concept of a "LiveJournal" entices me in the first place, but it doesn't work when it just might as well be private anyway.
Ahem. Excuse my bitching, please.
I wanted to say something along the lines of "So I'm not going to wish a pointless 'Merry Christmas!' to everyone out there, because I'm sure it's already been done to death"... but I've only seen one, so to that end, Merry Christmas to everyone out there in Internet-land. Special shout-outs to Jasmine, as she has graciously managed to secure me a dope shirt which I hope to receive in the mail... also, to Dylan, if he still reads this (as I read his), hoping he's still doing well and that he's managed to hang on to more friends than I have. And, um... also to Claire, if she reads this, 'cause I like knowing my sister is reading my journal... and Courtenay, as I owe her a present that I should hopefully deliver the next time I see her. Sorry if I neglected anyone, but that more than covers my normal reader base, a yeah-yeah.
So how was Christmas? Not as compelling as I once found it, at the very least. Many new possessions are under my wing, however, such as the headphones and iPod which I am utilizing right now. I must admit that iTunes is an annoying little bitch of a piece of proprietary software, but the whole 'browsing through album art' enticed me... as did uploading photos and videos, though I must say I am annoyed that I can't set my photos as backgrounds. Other stuff about the 'Pod is cool though, so I'm happy I have it. Other notable presents include 100$ worth of gift certificates at Island Drums (which I am spending tomorrow), two pairs of fuzzy socks, gel inserts for my shoes, a watch, and a pack of pens (blue, yergh, but at least the thought is there). The best present is obviously the 'Pod, followed by the 'Phones... and, hmm, what did my sister get me? Oh yes, third up is probably the awesome bundled stick brushes (called a 'Rute') Claire got me, allowing me to play quieter, and just 'differenter' on my kit. Certificates are probably getting spent on new heads for all my drums... or maybe a new cymbal. Or brushes. But probably the heads.
I can't help but thinking my life could be more interesting than it is. There are so many factors that are just inhibiting my enjoyment of everything around me... I think lack of stimulating intellectual conversation is one of them, but there's not really anything I can do about that, is there? Other stuff would be not enough music-nerdery, not enough PLAYING of music, not enough band progress, not enough noise, and ... one other thing I won't mention because my sister would be all 'ewwwww'.
On second thought, forget that. The last thing my life needs more of is kinkier sex. There, I said it, and Claire, I laugh at your disgust. One day you too will grow up and have a partner, and realize that sex is an enjoyable activity. Until then, I'm sorry I brought up the talk of cooties to you.
I really need to think of a cool name for my solo-noise project that I still have yet to complete any real work on. I think I need some contact mics first... but after that, I have all the VSTs I can handle, as well as a recording program, a borrowed guitar, one I'm buying after that, two amps, and an analog keyboard. I only need a mixer and some patch chords, I think.
Other than that? I dunno. Lots of stuff to talk about, but I don't feel close enough to anyone to let it out. It's silly to have a weepy livejournal where I bitch about people I'm not even close enough to in order to pretend to be friends with them... so whatevs, y'all.
Plans for the future:
Work at Subway, pay off debt, buy mixing board, contact mics, chords, guitar, effects pedals, MIDI controller... treat my lovely girlfriend to a night on the town, perhaps address some trifles with our relationship... find a vocalist for the band, get a bunch of songs done including vocals, record a demo, play some damn shows... minorly learn the guitar and keyboard, think of a name for myself as a solo project (one for noise, one for other stuff), record some fucking noise music, finish my breakcore song and make it not sound like shit, totally reassess the intimate dynamic between myself and my significant other... learn to sound passable when singing the song "Citrus" by The Hold Steady, and subsequently wow the masses by doing so in public... convince Brie to practice on her electric guitar, manage to get her and myself and Breanna and Joel together to hang out and jam, cook something new this week, work on hanging out with Jesse, Ali, and the DnD Group. Adhere to my pact, find someone to talk to, be happier. Remember this list.
Dec. 26th, 2007 @ 12:24 am
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| » Blurghle |
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My hours at work are really shitty. I usually just get 5 hours a day, which is highly lame. Many of my shifts start at eleven, which is COMPLETE bullshit, as I have to get up at five in the fucking morning in order to be in town early enough to work in the mornings - which includes getting into town at 7:35 and waiting in town then for THREE AND A HALF HOURS FOR GOD'S SAKE.
Frankly, it's ridiculous.
But, as I always say (starting a sentence with a conjunction is acceptable in a colloquial medium), a job with shit hours and full of inconvenience is better than no job at all. I may have made 120$ this week, and with any luck will make the same next week, and the week after, and that will JUST make me able to pay off all my debt. *sigh*
Meanwhile, however, my new sound card is exorbitantly spectacular - and also, Brie's mother gave me new headphones for Christmas, and they rock hardcore. So far, this Christmas is shaping up to be pretty spectacular - though, it looks like my main present (a gift certificate from Island Drums in Nanaimo (emotional Grandma) - how do I know this? I'm sneaky) won't be usable for a little while, as my upcoming shifts make it unable for me to go to Emotional Grandma any time soon. Not as soon as boxing day, anyway, as I'm sure I work then.
Hmm... actually, now that I look at my schedule that I wrote down, it doesn't say I'm working on Wednesday... on either of the upcoming weeks I saw posted. I think I'm going to phone the Subway I work at and see if I made a mistake copying stuff down. Because, if not... I can get some freakin' drum stuff on Boxing Day, YEAAH.
What else is new? Not much o' the stuff I talk about. I made Chili last night, it's pretty okay. I'm really wanting to get into making noise music lately, but apparently it is RIDICULOUSLY expensive - thousands of dollars, I mean. So, I made / am making a big wish-list of noisy type stuff I want in order to further my noisician career - so far, it's big, and it's only going to grow. But, I think the most important things are some contact mics and a mixer. After that, everything such as pedals (90% of noise music, apparently, though I suspect that is merely a western convention) can wait to be piled up. Also, there are several analog noise generators (namely a white noise generator, and a 'freaky noise box') that are outlandishly pricey - 150 and 300 dollars, namely. Yeaks. Also, yes, I know that's not a word.
Oh well. Christmas looks like it's coming along pretty well. Other than that... yeah, I dunno. I guess I just gotta keep working, and wait for pay day. Yeeeeeeeeah.
L8r everyone.
Dec. 23rd, 2007 @ 11:26 am
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| » Hay guize, what's going on? |
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so like, my Christmas is like, nigh. and like, I probly no wat im getting 2. isn't dat neet?
On that note, I have a jorb, and can pay off my purchasing debts. Only having to buy for three people rulez. Other than that... I want lots of stuff.
Mostly noisy stuff for making noisy music, but there are always other things as well. Anyone helping me along to my goal in noisy stuff would be appreciated. I mostly need patch-chords, and pedals, and power supplies.
That is all.
Dec. 21st, 2007 @ 05:53 am
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